How to Talk About Infertility and Get the Support You Need
By Danielle D Jenkins, PsyD
Infertility can be a huge burden. I’ve had friends, family, and clients share how isolating, scary, and overwhelming infertility can be. Some people choose to keep their experience and process to themselves while others are very open about it. Either way, it can be hard to know which path is best for you. MamaThriveVillage has some tips.
Keep the circle small. Choose wisely. If you know someone is very opinionated about assisted reproduction or know you will have to do a lot of explaining, it may not be best to include them in your process, especially at the beginning or right before or during an important time (picking a donor, embryo transfer, or other procedure). Have a few people who will support you on bad days and respect your need to pull back if you need to. Choose people who will keep your story to themselves.
You might be surprised by who these people turn out to be. That’s normal. You might find that one parent (or set of parents) is more able to offer support. That’s okay. Don’t feel guilty about sharing with one person versus another. If one sibling, friend, or parent is more able to get it, that’s okay. Just be clear if you don’t want everyone else in your family or friend circle to know and don’t trust someone with confidences who has shown in the past they can’t keep them.
Some people will continue to ask questions or invasively “hint around.” Create a “broken record” saying and keep saying it. “We have decided not to talk about our family building plans right now, we’ll let you know when there is something to know.” “When you ask about when we plan to start a family, we feel pressured and that’s not something we need right now.” “We know you are curious and excited for the future, but we ask that you respect our privacy right now while we figure this out.”
Setting boundaries can be really hard. I picture boundaries like a short fence around a small, square yard; not like a prison fence with cement and barbed wire. A short fence shows where the property line is. It keeps small pets and children close by and safe from the harm of running into the street, has a little gate or two for easy entry and exit, and still allows you to chat with the neighbors when you want to. Boundaries show us where it is okay to be and how to get there. You are going to be less likely to walk on the grass if there is a path. The same is true for boundaries. If you are clear about what and how you want to talk about with regard to your family building journey, you can be clear about how to direct others when you talk about it. If you have a partner, talk with him or her about who is safe to talk to and who will likely not respect your boundaries. You might have differing perspectives about each person but likely once you talk it out, you’ll come to some kind of agreement.
What do you say when someone puts their foot in their mouth? An idea is something similar to, “You may not have meant to be unkind, but what you said was hurtful.” You can elaborate or not. It’s up to you. Other options include things like, “When you say things like that, I don’t feel like I can share with you about my journey. That was [uneducated, mean, hurtful, untrue, not helpful].” “When you tell me to [just relax, adopt a baby, try yoga], it makes me feel like you aren’t really hearing me. I already feel inadequate and hearing things that I SHOULD be doing just makes me feel worse.”
When parents or siblings talk about how your infertility is making them sad because they worry they won’t ever be a grandparent or aunt or uncle, acknowledge that you know this affects them and let them know that you only have the energy to work on how it affects you. Then encourage them to talk to a friend or support person about their own feelings and tell them you might have to limit conversations based on how things are affecting you. It is okay to say that. It is okay to put your needs first for this time. It won’t be forever.
Getting support doesn’t mean you have to talk about infertility all the time. It’s okay to say to your caring friend or family member that you need to take a break from discussing the topic. It’s also important to know that couples often need different things in terms of support. This is tricky when you and your partner are both friends with the members of another couple. Just be clear with your partner about whom you’ve spoken to and be clear with your friend if your partner doesn’t really want to talk to their spouse about it. That’s okay.
Find meaning in other things. When you are feeling overwhelmed by talking about, thinking about, and doing fertility treatment do other things. This is a delicate topic because I know you are already getting unsolicited advice left and right. That is not the purpose of my urge to get hobbies. I’m not trying to tell you that if you do 10 patented yoga moves per day and drink tart cherry juice 5 but not 7 times per week you will bam, presto, have a baby to hold. What I am saying is that when we are in a crisis we tend to zone in on the cause of the distress single-mindedly. This is great for emergencies. It is horrible for us long term. It’s not sustainable. Finding meaning through things besides having babies (such as hobbies, travel, exercise, projects, and spirituality) does not mean you have given up hope, it means you are being as well rounded as possible in the face of adversity. And often, getting back to hobbies or starting a new practice can actually reignite the spark of hope and joy.
RESOLVE, the national infertility association, has wonderful and informative fact sheets to help people talk to friends and family about how they can support. They also provide information about some of the toughest aspects of infertility. I have found the fact sheet for family and friends to be one of the most helpful, but there is much more on their site. http://www.resolve.org/resources/fact-sheets.html
MamaThriveVillage is hoping with you and stand along side you as you walk this road.