This is Not What I Expected: The New Mother’s Experience in the Time of COVID-19

By Danielle D. Jenkins, PsyD

A hallmark of early parenthood, especially of early motherhood, is the feeling that this is not what I expected. Some people adjust easily to this reality and others take a while (and even some therapy) to fully integrate the difference between the expectation and reality. Right now, however, with a global pandemic, this difference between expectation and experience is widening. Women are experiencing changes to birth plans, an even greater lack of help and support, and likely some level of crisis while they are most vulnerable. The women I know who have just delivered are struggling with loneliness and fear.

So, we know things are not going to be as we expected or hoped for. That is hard. It is okay to grieve that. Give yourself space to grieve what you wanted and even planned for. It’s okay to be mad and sad that you have not had the experience you wanted (whether we are talking birth or postpartum). Let me say that again. You are allowed to have whatever feelings you have. I would encourage you, though to move past the anger and sadness to working to get your needs met. Here are three things you can do to support yourself and make the most of early motherhood during a pandemic.

Reach out to your people. Reach out to a couple of friends and tell them you are struggling. I would mention that you know everyone is adjusting and shifting but that it’s made this new mom thing so much harder. Your friends and family probably do have more on their plates and likely have thought of you in passing but may be too overwhelmed themselves to reach out as they deal with uncertainty and shifting plans and expectations. I know it’s unfair that this is your reality and it’s also what is. (This is something that is okay to grieve!) I recommend reaching out to a bunch of people, especially your most important supporters. Some people will be able to support you right away, some later, and some not at all. This is why reaching out to multiple people is so important.

A lot of families are grieving being unable to have visitors and having to delay family meeting the new little one. This is heartbreaking. You may have envisioned who you would have meet the baby and how they would respond when they held him. Some people are doing meetings anyway (with precautions) but most new moms are delaying even while it breaks their hearts. An option that is not quite the same but might be fun would be to use something like Zoom. What is cool about the Zoom option (and other platforms I’m sure) is that you can record it. Won’t that be fun to show your baby when she is older? “Let’s watch the video of you meeting your grandparents for the first time. There was a pandemic going on so we had to meet online instead of in person for a while.” You can even ask your friends and family to prepare some wishes for the baby since it will be recorded. You can do individual meetings or you could do a virtual “meet the baby” party. And if you’ve never used Zoom, you can practice with each other in the same room to make sure you know how it works and can help your family get started.

Ask for help and be specific. Even without the pandemic and the shelter in place orders, I highly recommend setting up a Meal Train. I really like mealtrain.com for this because they have options for no contact delivery and restaurant/take out only. You may have to ask someone to set this up for you or even set it up for yourself. For whatever reason, many families do not do this with their first child. Don’t be one of them and definitely don’t let the difficulties of this time prevent you from having enough food. You may not realize now but in the first few weeks to first few months of motherhood, unless someone is helping you prepare food, you will miss many meals at a time when you need time most. Almost every new mother I have even known both professionally and personally describes day after day of caring for the baby only to realize it’s mid-afternoon and they haven’t eaten anything. Most new moms will experience an increase in anxiety and mood problems if they aren’t getting enough nutrients. Do yourself a favor and make sure the food is taken care of. If you don’t want to ask your friends and family, I suggest doing a few weeks of meal delivery (the cooked ones not the meal kits) or purchase a bunch of premade frozen meals (or both).

Being specific in your asks is really important. I would have said this anyway but it is especially important now because people likely want to help but are overwhelmed with their own experiences of the pandemic that they can’t even think of how to be helpful even though they want to. If you say, “Is there any chance you could pick up a few groceries for us the next time you go,” my guess is most people would be willing to do so. Many women find asking for help difficult. It may feel challenging to do so. Consider this a great time to exercise a muscle you will need your child’s entire life. People might say no but they might say yes.

Change your environment. So many of us are stuck inside right now. This is extra crazy making for a new mom who is sleep deprived and experiencing hormonal shifts. I recommend that if you feel like caving up, that you create a Hygge cave with candle, salt lamps, and even your Christmas twinkle lights. Have lots of cozy blankets and your best slippers or fuzzy socks. Get your essential oils going, create a spa music channel on Pandora or Spotify.

If you are craving brightness and outside, open all the windows. Turn on as many lights as possible. Sit near the window or on the porch or balcony if it’s warm enough. Go put your feet on the ground once a day and be sure to go for walks if at all possible.

Change rooms a few times a day. Change your cloths, pajamas, robe every day and try to shower or at least wash your face daily. Trust me on this. You will feel better. Some women feel better if they put on a little make up. If that feels good to you, do it. If it feels like burden, don’t do it.

Most importantly be sure you are connecting with others. The Mama Thrive Village parenting group is a good place to connect with other parents just like you. You are in my thoughts, mamas. This is hard work!