Seven Things That Every New Mom Should Absolutely Never Ever, Ever Do

A guest blog by April Lovelace Simmons

In the first few weeks of motherhood, as a women recovers from growing a complete human and then forcefully expelling it from her body, there is a lot of uncertainty. The new mother is uncertain of her new life and role. The freshly minted father wonders how to care for his wife, precious new baby, and if he will ever have time to play video games again. Friends and caregivers anxiously attempt to anticipate needs and take bets on who will be the little newbie’s babysitter of choice. With her world so unsettled and resources so deprived, the new mother begins to wonder how she will fill obligations outside of healing her body and caring for a newborn. Thus, she turns to her phone and reads endless lists and blogs and posts and pins so she knows what to expect… and what others expect. To aid her in this crucial search, I have composed an exhaustive and definitive list of the seven things that every new mom should absolutely never ever, ever do.

Apologize

 You have just been through about as much as person can go through and come out ok. And you may not be ok. You might need to curl into a ball and cry for hours on end. You might not want to eat the delicious meals that your caregivers are providing (or the pizza your husband ordered, let’s be honest here). Showering seems like more than you can handle today. Sleep deprivation is making you a Class A Grumpus. Carrying on a coherent conversation seems like addressing the UN. The list goes on and on. Do not apologize for not being able to what other people or even your own inner tyrant think you should be doing. Is baby fine? Are you caring for yourself and recovering? Then you are good. No apologies needed.

Feel bad about taking time for yourself

Finally the day has come. Your friend is coming over for coffee and you are going to get the scoop on the ah-mazing new guy that she started dating the day that you went into labor. The two of you have planned this to the T. Baby will be napping. You will put on your cutest lounge clothes and actually spend some time making yourself look effortlessly adorable. Cannoli have been purchased just for the occasion. The idea of being your old self, even for an hour, has you more excited than the last time that you woke up after FOUR SOLID HOURS of uninterrupted sleep. Operation coffee-gab-fest is a go! Your friend arrives emitting the aroma of freshly washed hair and sound sleep to find you clutching a red faced screaming baby to your four day old t-shirt. Your left boob is three times bigger than the right and leaking like a garden hose. Neither baby nor you have slept for the past forty three hours (at least it FEELS like 43 hours!). Mommas! This. Is. The. Moment. Hand the baby to her. Go pump, shower and nap. You don’t even have to tell her about the cannoli.

Perhaps you are expected for a family brunch at the in-laws this morning? Send hubby and baby and stay home to rest. Your husband has to skip his morning coffee to hold a crying baby while you shower? Darn skippy he does! Do not feel bad about sharing the load so that you can have a little respite. If you do not take some time for yourself to heal and rest right now, it is very likely that these people will have to step up in a much larger way in the future should you still be struggling.

Say yes when you need to say no

Wanna stay up late and watch a movie? Let’s meet for coffee at 9:00 on Saturday! We have to clean the house this weekend.  I am going to put just a little rice cereal in baby’s bottle- she will sleep so much better! Practice saying it with me: No! Nope! No thanks! Take care of yourself, momma. Right now, you have to do what is best for you, your baby, and your family. Most likely your resources are stretched pretty thin so choose very wisely who and what you invest in. And say no to the rest. For this period, as you recover from birth and reconfigure your life, protect yourself and your family from unnecessary obligation. Figure out ways to say no and just use them over and over again- “Oh, that sounds lovely! Let’s do that as soon as baby is sleeping more.”  “Thanks for asking us. We are really excited about catching up when things settle down a little.”  “Your vacation sounds so fun! I want to hear all about it when I am more rested and can remember what you tell me.”

Bottle up your feelings

Oh, the feelings! As your hormones right themselves and your body heals, things can get a little crazy… and by things, I mean you. For me, this was expressed through terrible soul hollowing grief followed by gut wrenching bouts of crying (and I am not a crier!), and then really, really terrible anxiety. I mourned the death of the flowers I received in the hospital and cried in the shower for them. I worried about my baby’s earlobes (yes, for reals), and my incision healing. I agonized over the color of baby’s poop and that weird ache in my lower back… and I wondered if things were normal.

Often I hid my crying. Everyone acted worried when I sobbed incoherently because I saw an old person. I disguised my anxiety as resilience. Oh, I don’t need to rest, taking care of baby 24-7 for all of eternity is my job *queue sunny, healthy smile.* I didn’t share the horrors of my birth story with my closest confidant because I didn’t want her to carry that burden into her delivery when the time came. When I shared my fears, people dismissed them as normal new momma stuff or just didn’t know what to do. So, I hid these feelings away because they made people uncomfortable. 

I am not suggesting that you broadcast every feeling you have to the entire world. But find at least one, if not a few people to talk to. People that you can tell everything to. Your worries. Your guilt. The sadness. For me, this was first my birth doula, then my best friend, and eventually a therapist. Because you see, I ended up with a pretty serious case of postpartum depression. And I believe that my inability to share my emotions allowed them to grow into something strong and heavy and crippling. And trust me, postpartum depression is not a devil that you want to dance with if you can avoid it.

Second guess your gut

There really is something to the concept of a mother’s intuition. About her baby, herself and the rest of her family. The anxiety that often accompanies new motherhood can leave you second guessing everything. Should I put baby down for a nap or wait? Is that sound baby is making normal? Am I really supposed to be losing this much hair? Things that have been decided far in advance become huge quandaries.

For some decisions in parenting and self-care, there are clear answers. But most require navigating a maze of what is best at this moment for this particular person. And when you are sleep deprived, anxious and possibly highly emotional, every choice becomes momentous. This is when it becomes important to listen to your gut. What do you really think, deep down? What is your intuition telling you? Some babies just poop this much and your baby is fine. No, it is not ok for your nipple to sting like that when baby latches. I am not recommending that you just always go with your gut and never consult any other resource. But I am saying that your intuition is there to help you start in the right direction. And a new momma needs all the help she can get.

Hesitate to ask for help

You need help. The transition into motherhood, or to a larger family, is really, really difficult. Neither a single family unit, nor you as one person, can do it all. As you dive into the insanity of family life and motherhood, you will most likely recognize this. And when you do, you might even be smart enough to ask for help before the shit hits the fan. Or, like me, you might not. Anxiety can get in the way of asking for help- it can cause you to doubt yourself, ignore your needs or not even be aware of them. If you are feeling overwhelm every day, stop and take stock. What can you ask others to do? What can you just let go for now? Who will help when you ask? Then ask. Ask your mother to take the baby once a week for a few hours. Ask your partner to keep the bathrooms, or floors, or dishes clean. Ask your best friend to do laundry once a week. Most people would love to help- they just don’t know what you need. Let them know, then take a nap while the little elves work their magic.

Give any fucks

All the other points can really be summarized in this one- Your friends need to catch you up on office gossip and tell you about the latest outrage perpetrated by their significant other? Your mom wants to know if she should go grocery shopping and cook or just use the meals that you have in the freezer? Your mother in law plans to bring you all your husband’s baby pictures so you can see that your baby is AN EXACT COPY of Her Son. Your husband is starting to be annoyed by his lack (ha ha ha) of sleep and you suspect that he is beginning to wonder about how much longer til the nookie. And you? Worried about these things? No, no. you just lie in your bed, and play little games in your head where you spend hours looking for your fucks. Oh, where, oh, where have my little fucks gone? I searched the world over and thought I found my fucks, but they found another, and whoops, they were gone.

All of this boils down to two simple truths: care for yourself and care for your baby. Don’t apologize for doing it. Ask for help when you need it. These weeks following birth are a sacred time between a women, her baby and the new family. Protect it. In the months and years to follow, you will be able to look back and know that you set a precedent for future healthy boundaries and that you allowed those who love you to care for you. These are beautiful things. And no matter what you do, remember that you are strong and beautiful and ENOUGH. High five, momma.