Happy Mother’s Day to Us All
By Danielle Jenkins, PsyD
Mother’s Day is here in the US. With Mother’s Day comes a spectrum of experiences and responses. The idea of Mother’s Day is sweet. A day we celebrate the Mother’s in our lives. The thing is that many women feel disappointed by the unmet expectations, overwhelmed by the ongoing mental load of motherhood, and the burden of planning celebrations for their mothers and mother-in-laws while taking care of their own families. The dirty secret is that a lot of moms aren’t real fans of Mother’s Day. If you are, that’s wonderful. Maybe this blog post will help you see why some people are not fans. If Mother’s Day feels like a chore or a trigger for grief, this article is most certainly for you.
Perhaps you’ve lost your mother. You may be grieving your mother’s death or abandonment. You might struggle to enjoy Mother’s Day because it reminds you of what you lost or maybe never had. Give yourself space to have feelings of sadness and disappointment if those are the feelings you have. There is room for those feelings a long with your celebrations of your own motherhood.
This day is also especially difficult for the women longing to for motherhood who wait with empty arms. It can be a painful reminder of what you wish for and have yet to receive. If you need to take space for yourself, do. Even if your family usually gets together for Mother’s Day brunch or lunch, you do not have to go if it’s too difficult. I hope that this will be your last Mother’s Day without the baby of your dreams but if it is not, you can celebrate your own mothers at another time. Do something nice for yourself or have an ordinary day. Even if this year your family is doing Mother’s Day on zoom to celebrate and "get together," you are not obligated. Hopefully, they will understand, but if they don’t, it’s not your problem to worry about. You are allowed to be sad.
You might be a woman struggling to hold onto your mental health. Maybe you haven't gotten the help you need or you are feeling inferior because you feel like the only one who takes medications and who isn't able to enjoy the life you want to love so desperately.
The women who work day and night for their families who are tired and feel unseen and misused and tired, I see you. Mother’s Day can be a real challenge for us when we are exhausted. It can be a reminder that of the disparity in childcare and house chore workload. You may be one of the women who don’t know how to tell their partners what they need and want. The ones who long to ask for more support and who don’t seem to get it even when they ask. Sometimes Mother’s Day highlights these feelings more than it gives moms the break they desire.
Mother’s Day can also be trying for the women who don’t love being a mom. The ones who feel guilt and shame about not wanting to play dress up and candyland every single day. You might be wrestling with the shame monster and might be frustrated with the amount of angst you feel even while loving your children more than life itself. It’s okay if you don’t like certain parts of motherhood. It doesn’t mean you don’t love your kids or are a terrible parent. You are the parent they need and love.
To the women who have children with special needs, who feel alone in the struggle to support their child(ren), I solute you. It is hard to pull together all the resources, support, and ongoing strength to care for your child even when there aren’t special needs involved. It can feel very lonely to advocate for your child through medical, academic, and emotional concerns. May you feel supported and valued and less alone.
On this Mother’s Day, I also think of the women who are childless by choice and constantly have to defend their choice to family, friends, and strangers. Only you can make this choice and I celebrate your right to not become a parent. Happy not-a-mom day to you. May you be free to live your life the way you’d like and celebrate the moms around you only if you’d like.
To the single mamas, whether by choice or circumstance, I celebrate you. This is a hard job. It’s that much harder when doing it alone. You are a champion and you deserve all the good things. I promise, even when you feel like it’s not true, you are enough. Even on days when things don’t get done and you are frazzled, the love you have for your child(ren) is enough.
Wherever you find yourself today, I hope you will find strength and support and feel celebrated at least on a small level. Today (and any day) when you feel a pang of disappointment, start making a list of how you want your Mother’s Day to be different. If it’s something your partner can do, ask them now and then remind them again close to the date next year. Maybe you want to change something in your life, I send you wishes for strength to make the important changes. If you need to work through pain and resentments from your relationship with your own mother, make a plan to talk to a friend or your therapist. If you are longing for a break, as many of us are especially right now, give yourself permission to turn off the automessage in your head saying, “there’s no way for this to happen” and turn on your most creative self who can come up with a mini pretend vacation, day to yourself, or an hour to eat your favorite take out in the car all alone (or maybe all three).
Most of all, I hope that you feel celebrated even if just by you. You are definitely celebrated by me, just as you are. Every feeling is welcome here.
Happy Mother’s Day, Mama!