Why can’t I be happy?
Why can’t I be happy?
By Danielle D Jenkins, PsyD
I frequently have friends, family, and women I see in my private practice say, “I have everything I’ve ever wanted and I still can’t be happy.” They go on to describe that they have the fulfillment of most of the things they ever wanted and yet feel unable to connect to it or feel happy about it. This is actually quite universal. It is common to feel this way after any big thing in our lives – weddings, graduations, new homes, retirements. Often people expect to feel one way about something and then feel many other things on top of that one feeling.
Feelings are complex
One of the double-edged realities of adulthood is we feel multiple things simultaneously. Sometimes this works out to be a gift and sometimes it makes for a lot of confusion. The way we talk about feelings is that they are isolated, individual emotions that come and go as directed and expected. This just isn’t true. We talk about happiness as if it is an all or nothing feeling. As if we should feel it 100% of the time everyday and if we don’t it’s gone. The reality is that happiness isn’t a light switch that is either on or off. It’s much more complex. Especially when we are talking about the joy of parenting. Parenting is one of the most difficult things most of us will ever do and there are many moments of joy and happiness throughout.
Cultural expectations
A major difficulty of parenting in modern culture is that we have ridiculously unrealistic expectations of mothers. We expect them to calm the babies, feed the babies, and be back into their pre-pregnancy clothes within 24 hours of doing the big work that is childbirth. And that’s just the beginning. We expect women to stay at home without missing their work lives and simultaneously judge them for no longer having a career. We expect them to breastfeed without offering appropriate education and judge them for “not sticking it out.” We have expectations and judgments about childbirth choices, feeding, sleeping, exercise, sex, home management, toys, pacifiers, baby wearing, strollers, car seats, bottles, daycare, vaccines, medications, baby products…..and so much more. As if parenting wasn’t already difficult and full of enough guilt, no matter what agonizing decision you make about each of these things, you will be wrong. Someone will say something or post some kind of social media article and make you feel like garbage for whatever choice you made. And to top that off, in America we don’t give moms time to adjust to the changes to self, family, and finances by giving adequate leave.
Expectations of self and others
Our own unrealistic expectations of self, partners, friends, families, and even babies complicate matters further. We have ideas of grandeur about parenting and about what it will feel like to care for our babies. The reality is usually more mundane and at times grueling. We feel guilt when we want a moment to ourselves or freedom from someone needing something from us every second. We feel guilt if we like going to work or guilt if we don’t miss our jobs at all. We have unrealistic expectations of how others will help us and have needs that are real and also won’t likely be met by the people in our lives (especially when we don’t ask). We have an idea of what a good baby is when in reality there’s no such thing. We have expectations for easy nursing and pure snuggles and perfect homemaking when the reality is often very different. Yes, there are good times and for some families transitioning a newborn into the family goes smoothly.
Evolutionary mismatch and a need for rest
I first learned of the idea “Evolutionary Mismatch” from an Aviva Romm, Natural MD podcast featuring psychiatrist Kelly Brogan. While the podcast was talking about psychiatric and functional medicine, I have really run with the idea of evolutionary mismatch in thinking of parenting and the therapy side of maternal mental health. Technology is amazing. We can do so much with it that greatly improves our lives and our health AND it is terrible for us. It is taking us farther and farther from the very things that make us healthy. In terms of parenting, these are things like community, nature, slow pace, and rest. We have so much information pouring into our palms and brains that our bodies and psyches are in a constant state of overload. This is a terrible way to make decisions or transitions because we are in a constant state of fight or flight. We’ve lost our balance. So, if you are struggling to find happiness, turn your phone off, stop taking pictures, go outside and soak up some dirt and sunshine and reset. Take a bath. Breathe deeply. Even for just a minute.
Maternal mental health concerns
I would be remiss if I left out that maternal mental health disorders also play a part in not fully experiencing joy and happiness of motherhood. There is a reality that sometimes mental health can be so poor that we actually cannot feel the correct feelings because they are all overshadowed by depression or anxiety. And unrealistic expectations and evolutionary mismatch can contribute to maternal mental health concerns in a big way. And once that train is going, it can be tough to stop. Get help right away. Tell someone. It is common but not normal to experience the symptoms of maternal mental health disorders.
Happiness in parenting
Most parents feel less happy than they think they should about parenting at one time or another. And many of us ask repeatedly, “why did I do this to myself?” When someone says, “why can’t I feel happy about being a mom,” I want to say, “you ARE happy! It’s just wrapped up in a lot of other emotions.” I always hesitate to tell my clients and readers this because I never want to tell them how they feel or discount the difficulties they are experiencing. Yet, the reality is that in some seasons, happiness feels shiny and free and sometimes it is so entrenched in work and heartache we can barely feel it. In parenthood, happiness is like a butterfly flitting in and out of the day and staying for only a short time. Watch for it like you would a butterfly.