What new moms really need: how to be a doula for the women in your life
What new moms really need: how to be a doula for the women in your life
By Danielle D Jenkins, PsyD
There are lists and lists and lists about what stuff is actually necessary for a new baby or for entrance into motherhood. This isn’t one of those lists. The following are ways you can support the women in your life during the time that is such a mixed bag of emotion along with positive, intense, and horrific experiences. All of my life, dating back to childhood, I have been really good at caring for moms and babies and here’s some of what I’ve learned about what new moms actually need.
To be seen as a person not just a baby host
So many moms feel embarrassed to say that they are sometimes jealous of their babies or resentful of the attention friends and family members pay to their little one. However, resentment and jealousy are so common and so many women feel shameful about these feelings. Sometimes it is nice to just have someone truly see just you and talk to you about yourself and not just life with a new baby. If you are there to visit, do something helpful. Don’t just hold the baby. Do something nice. In the very least, bring healthy food.
To be loved even on the bad days
In a world where most women feel they are never enough, the women in your life need to know they are good enough even when they aren’t living up to their own expectations and especially when they aren’t living up to your expectations. They need to know you love them even when they forget to call you back, blow off your birthday, or come the door for a forgotten coffee date wearing three day old sweat pants. A huge way you can do this is to show your bad days to her also or tell her stories of the days where you went to the doctor’s office with no diapers or walked out of the house wearing two different shoes. Help her laugh at herself by laughing at yourself.
A nap for goodness sake
I could get very heated on this one. Sleep deprivation is the work of the devil. There is a reason that it is used in torture techniques. Something is kind of messed up that we believe it is acceptable for parents to care for a tiny human when they have had 35 nights in a row of 2 hours of sleep. This is a bad idea. Any time you can hold the baby, feed the baby, walk the baby, or anything else so momma can catch some extra hours of sleep, you give an angel it’s wings. I’m serious! Let her sleep!!!! New parents also need to know this season won’t last forever.
Someone to do the dirty stuff
When you go to a new mom’s house, bring a container (or small baggie) of cleaning wipes in your purse and when you are in the bathroom, do a quick clean. If you can restock toilet paper and such items, do that too, but the most important is to wipe the counters, sink, and toilet. Trust me, this is the way to good Karma. If you see dishes, do them really quickly and go back to visiting your friend. Make it your secret mission to clean something up while you are visiting your friend.
Someone to do something nice without having to be asked
This is really part two of the above item. It is so hard to ask for help. For some women it is excruciating and borders on impossible. Many women struggle to ask for help and sometimes don’t even really know what they need until the problem, mess, or feeling gets pretty big. So when someone just does the thing they need without having to be asked it lifts a huge weight off their shoulders. For the first few weeks (or even months) after giving birth, families are struggling to sort out days from nights and Monday from Tuesday. New moms have a mental or physical list of the things that need to be done in their home or life and that list just keeps getting longer. It is so nice when someone else crosses those items off the list.
To not be questioned
Many new parents have no idea what their parenting styles are. Some do, but many don’t. And that is perfectly acceptable. Many of my clients who are about 6 months in report that they wish they wouldn’t have listened to their friend or family about such and such and would’ve just done what they knew would be best from the beginning. If they are trying out a parenting style or know what type of parenting they want to emulate, support them. If they want to be a cloth diaper momma and you think that’s silly, DO NOT buy them disposable diapers and tell them they will change their mind. Support their decision and compliment their choices (when if feels authentic). It’s okay to talk openly about differences of parenting and baby care but it is not okay to force your opinion or belittle someone’s choice. I could talk about this for days but I’ll save it for another post. The moral here is support, don’t judge. Part of becoming a parent is trying different things to see what works for your family.
To have other women show them the ropes without judgment or pressure
Some of the best stories I know about breastfeeding are ones where an experienced momma jumps in and just starts massaging the new mom or gets right in there and readjusts the baby for a good latch. From a doula perspective, I know this can be super awkward at first because new momma is trying so hard to do a good job and get the hang of this new weird thing her body is doing. Think about it, if your elbow started spraying liquid and you had to figure out what to do with it while someone was yelling and crying at you all while you were sleep deprived, you’d be pretty hard pressed to make it happen and maneuvering elbows is a lot easier than maneuvering breasts.
I remember one particular story from my doula days. I was sitting with a new family who had taken a bunch of classes for soon-to-be parents but had very little experience with newborns. The momma was just wrapping up a feeding and went to show me that she had been practicing a new burping technique I had shown her. She propped the baby, who was about 6.5 pounds, on her knee and held her by the neck, burping her back. She asked, “Is this right”? With a pounding heart I gently said, “I’d recommend moving your hands so you can hold her up under her arm and then hold her face between your thumb and forefinger” and showed her what I meant. “That way she will have full airflow and you won’t be pinching any important arteries.” I knew that if I told the mom she had been choking her baby, she would feel a sense of failure that would set back our relationship and break her confidence. She just didn’t know. Months later, she had figured it out but we were still laughing about it and she would say, “You so calmly instructed me even when I was choking the baby!” The family even gave me a framed picture of the "choke-burping technique" and thanked me for helping them not choke their baby constantly. She shared with me that having a non-judgmental correction and one that was gentle, helped her be willing to try new things.
The reality of parenting is we don’t know what we don’t know. And as supporters we can give information gently and show more than tell so our loved ones can integrate the information without feeling defensive. And think about it, when you are trying to do something new and someone tells you that you are doing it wrong, it is so easy to get defensive and when we are defended we do not learn easily.
To have someone just listen
Sometimes women just need to talk. Or to cry. It is important to say how hard it is to be the parent you want to be. Okay, really, how impossible it is. Most of us have impossible standards for ourselves. Sometimes our friends need us to just listen.
A gift
This could be something small like a candle or a flower she loves. Something that shows you were thinking of her and not just the baby. Many times the little extras are things we have to cut out to allow us to take an extra week of maternity leave or to be able to stop working. Babies are expensive and of course parents put their own needs and wants aside for the needs of their babies. And we need some love too. So, make a special treat or stop by with their favorite hot beverage on a rainy day. Many new moms are so engrossed in making sure the baby is alive that they don’t take good care of themselves.
I would be remiss if I didn’t emphasize that we can’t all be amazing supporters to our loved ones all the time. We should do what we can but we also have to care for ourselves so we can be available to the people we love. Your friend likely doesn’t need help and support 24 hours a day but some here-and-there support can help her get through the bumpy spots. The Mama Thrive Village way is to encourage women to band together and help each other navigate the sticky spots. We have to stop trying to do it all ourselves. You can help your new mama friends with this by simply showing her your hard days and maybe on your good days, making a double batch of your yummy dinner and popping it over to her.