Vulnerability Hangover, Here I Come!

One of my favorite people in the world is Brene Brown. She has taught me that vulnerability is the path to whole hearted living. I strive to be vulnerable, but to be honest, I am terrible at it. I’ll keep trying but it’s really  hard work. One of the things that keeps me trying to be authentic is that I know that the beautifully curated lives I see on social media are often far from the reality. That’s part of why I am writing this. So often we don’t know what is really going on with someone and what we believe is happening is actually not even close to the reality.

There are many powerful examples of this in my own life. I had a friend from graduate school who rarely posted on social media but I remember seeing this beautiful picture of him with a girlfriend and some happy pictures of them doing fun things around their beautiful home in the Northwest. I assumed based on these photos that my friend was in a happy place, living a happy life. Not too long after the gorgeous picture, he posted his blog about his terminal cancer diagnosis. I saw him for the last time shortly following his post when I took him for a day of chemo treatments. He was a shell of his former self, deserted by his beautiful girlfriend, and dying alone, unable to enjoy the surroundings he once loved. I think of the contrast of the life I thought he had versus what was really happening whenever I feel at all envious of someone’s online life. While this is an extreme example, I can think of many stories that are similar.

Lately, I have been thinking of my friend a lot because I have posting a lot of the best parts of my life on social media because I haven’t really felt like being very vulnerable. It also means that I feel lonely sometimes because most of the people in my life think I’m doing great. You see this has been a tough year but I am trying to “grow my audience.” I’ve been telling myself that no one wants to hear about the hard parts of my life. If I’m upbeat, everyone will buy what I’m selling, right?! It’s so silly, super dumb actually because I know better. I actually do know that vulnerability and authenticity is best for getting needs met and for creating healthy relationships. And it is so damn difficult.

So here goes. I have had one of the most difficult years I have ever had. I’m a very privileged person but I’m also no stranger to difficulty, trauma, and hardship. And I also have to say that this year has been one of the hardest in my life. People who know me know that I love children. I’ve been given the position of honorary mom for many, many years by many, many people. I’ve been taking care of children since I was very small. I’ve been doing it professionally since taking my Red Cross Babysitter class at the age of 11. I’ve taken care of families as a Babysitter, Nanny, Tutor, Preschool Teacher, Postpartum Doula, and Psychologist. I love being a sister, friend, and auntie. I’ve wanted to be a mom for as long as I can remember.

It just hasn’t worked out. There are a lot of reasons and a lot of lessons learned. Mountains of student debt (and now a little medical). People including me have made mistakes. Fertility clinics are a joke (and a miracle for some but not all). Time and resources are finite. Sometimes the best laid plans don’t work. You can get Mono when you are 39. Fertility meds make you gain weight. Being sick is expensive. People who are well meaning and love you say and do stupid things. Very few people will show up for you when it matters most. It’s rarely because they are jerks. Usually it’s because they don’t know you are hurting. Sometimes it’s because they have their own stuff. Try not to take it personally. Sometimes it hurts more than you can bear. I’m not going to get into the trauma of it all and I do feel grateful it hasn’t been as traumatic as some of my friends and clients have experienced but it has been tougher than I would have liked. Basically it boils down to when you really want to be a mom and you can’t be one, it sucks. I know this pain intimately personally and professionally. I can tell you the head and the heart of it.

I can also tell you I don’t know what is next. What I do know is that I’m out of money, out of spirit, and out of energy to do what I’ve been doing. So I’m asking for help. I’m asking for help from my loved ones, friends, family, readers, social media stalkers. Please send prayers, good vibes, and anything else you believe in my way. I am sad, I am grieving, I am healing. I have so much love and healing to give to this world.

I haven’t wanted to reach out because I don’t really need or want advice or the well-meaning “you should” or the “my cousin did this and this happened.” If you have one of those, please use that energy and that hope for me and send me a wish. Send me that hope fro your heart to mine. Tell me you are thinking of me or praying for me or blow a dandelion for me. That is what I need. Because right now I am out of hope. I do think it is pretty ironic that what I teach in my Maternal Mental Health work is that you have to ask for and accept help. So here I am, taking my own advice. What an idea!

Written by Danielle D Jenkins, PsyD