The Heartbreak of Infertility

By Danielle D Jenkins, PsyD

One of the most amazing aspects of my work is getting to walk with women and couples going through fertility treatment. I wish this wasn’t part of my work and that everyone could have children when they want and how they want, but I feel honored that people let me walk through this with them. Part of the work of helping people build healthy families is going through the challenges of infertility with them. The stress of the process is more than many people can handle on their own.  I was reading Women’s Therapy Center, February 2016 Newsletter, focused on fertility and assisted reproduction and was reminded that the stress of infertility is similar to any other life crisis. On top of that, many people struggling with fertility challenges feel like failures. Feeling they have not only struggled to build the family they desire, but then see their relationships and mental health impacted too.

Often, by the time a couple has come into my office, they are feeling broken and ashamed as though they should be strong enough to go through all they have been through and keep a smile on their face and a laugh in their heart. In reality, infertility is as stressful (psychologically and physically) as losing a loved one unexpectedly, a terminal illness, or any other major life crisis. We don’t judge people when they feel sad and depressed due to the death of a parent, but many of my clients and friends express feeling judged for their sadness and grief.

And the reality is that they probably are being judged on some level. By themselves and others. This is not done purposely, but happens frequently due to cultural misinformation, biases, and deep seeded and unrecognized beliefs. This is one of those times where we don’t usually even see our biases and beliefs. Some pervasive misinformed beliefs include the idea that infertility mostly affects white, upper middle class women who delayed families in pursuit of careers and the ongoing idea that poor folks are too fertile. And in the discussion we rarely even acknowledge people of color and how race and ethnicity factor into fertility (and treatment) or that if you are a same sex couple (or single woman seeking to become a mother), you can still have fertility struggles beyond the difficulties you are already facing related to the inherent need for reproductive assistance. There are so many ideas about fertility that are just thrown around that aren’t based on fact and don’t look at how devastating and confusing a diagnosis related to fertility can be.

So how do we deal with the misinformation and the hurt caused by misplaced ideas and uninformed comments? There’s a term that psychologists and sociologists use called the “just-world fallacy” that can be helpful in understanding what is going on. It is the underlying belief that many of us have (and don’t even realize) that good things happen to good people and bad things happen to bad people. The just-world fallacy is the idea that tragedy is doled out fairly, based on what you deserve. Mostly we subconsciously believe such things because it helps us manage the fear and anxiety we all get when we are struck by the reality that misfortune, loss, and pain can strike at any moment. It can be overwhelming to deal with all the news we see and hear and learn about and this thing that many of us unconsciously do to deal with our own anxiety and sadness, also happens when we think of infertility. It’s wrong but most of us do it at some point in our lives.

One of the reasons I bring this up is that it is important to realize that people don’t usually say and do hurtful things on purpose. It sometimes helps to deal with the hurt and anger if we understand that many of the incorrect beliefs about infertility come from media, culture, and underlying fear and anxiety. Most people don’t say hurtful things about fertility with the express goal of hurting their loved ones. And while I don’t feel it is the responsibility of the person who is being wronged or marginalized to correct the injustice, I do think we can all be part of changing cultural understanding by changing the way we talk and think about fertility. When you find yourself thinking about infertility and you picture a Caucasian, career woman in her 40s, correct yourself. When you are thinking of people who get pregnant right away and you picture a young, poor woman, correct yourself and remember that infertility affects men and women of all races, ages, and backgrounds. How we talk and think about it, is part of the problem. There’s so much shame and blame and secrecy. Anytime something is unsayable, it is given power.

Still it is hard to know what to say, let alone how to think about it. Infertility is one of the most heartbreaking and isolating things an individual or couple can go through. It can be absolutely heart wrenching to realize you and your partner were the only couple in your circle not invited to a get together with kids included. It can be devastating to see your friend who just started trying got pregnant pretty much the second she went off birth control when you have been trying for years. It can be isolating to feel as though you have no one to talk to. It can be confusing to start down a path to family building you never thought you would need to go down. The feelings my clients and friends report include overwhelm, grief, devastation, brokenness, anger, resentment, envy, betrayal, depression, fatigue, confusion, and unimaginable sadness. And often we get a little tiny glimpse of hope. Hope of a baby in their arms one day.

RESOLVE, the national infertility association, has wonderful and helpful information on their site about some of the toughest aspects of infertility. The fact sheet about when to seek professional help is very helpful, but there is much more on their site. http://www.resolve.org/resources/fact-sheets.html

Everyone needs support, especially in times of stress and crisis. You don’t have to do infertility alone. Get support.