How To Be The Best Mom in Times of Stress

by Danielle Jenkins, PsyD

So, there’s a concept in psychology that I talk about all the time with my clients. “The Good Enough Mother.” This phrase was coined by Donald Winnicott. When doing research on thousands of babies and their interactions with their mothers, he observed that babies and children actually benefit when mothers make manageable mistakes. The great news with his research (and lots of subsequent research) is that children not only do not need us to be perfect, they actually benefit when we make mistakes and recover or apologize when needed.

This is great news, especially right now in the midst of a pandemic and kids being home from daycare and school. While some families are living their best lives right now, many are navigating tricky and stressful family dynamics. Home schooling may not have been their dream come true. Coworking with their partner with babies and toddlers underfoot is also not ideal for most of us. Tensions will get high and tempers may flare and mood and anxiety will not be at optimal levels. And yet, staying home is what is best for everyone so our medical system doesn’t become overrun. 

We are all trying to get through this the best we can. Fears are high for many people. We worry that kids will fall behind in school, that they are missing their beloved teachers and friends. We maybe aren’t taking the time for ourselves that we need. We have big life worries about finances and relationships and health and safety. We may be short fused because of all our worries. Our kids are likely hearing things we don’t even realize and picking up on our stresses. They know and understand more than we often recognize, but there are ways we can support them and ourselves in this time.

Just do your best and let go of the rest. Apologize if your mistake hurts someone else, but otherwise, move on. Don’t spend time dwelling on your mistakes or errors. It just doesn’t help. Like I said, being whatever version of perfect you have imagined isn’t going to help anyone and it will make you stressed and even irritable with your family when they inevitably don’t follow the plan you have laid out in your head or on your shiny, color coded schedule. Don’t get me wrong, I’m a Virgo, I love a good color-coded anything. I love a good list and am obsessed with schedules and planners. I also know that getting too rigid is not going to help anyone in my life and will make me cranky.

My suggestions for schooling are to make sure your children read or are read to every day. If they struggle with another subject, have them work on that some of the days, and then let them choose what things they want to learn. One of my clients has come up with a brilliant idea for helping her kids manage their days and get along. She made a deal with them that if they can play without fighting and she doesn’t have to intervene in their conflicts, they can play all day. As soon as they stop getting along, they have to do school work. She has them do math first thing and then free play until they can’t get along. Seems like a brilliant way to help everyone stay sane in a challenging time. (She gave me permission to share.)

Reframe the situation. This can be hard in the middle of crisis, however as things begin to roll into a new normal, we have choice in how we respond. If we focus only on the (very real) negatives coming our ways, we will likely descend into darkness and fear rather quickly. Yet, if we can focus on the positive things, we will get through this time successfully. We may even make some lasting positive memories. In my last blog post, I mentioned creating a pandemic bucket list. I recommend doing that for each person and the family. You can also do a roses and thorns for each day. Roses are the positive things you are grateful for and thorns are the things that were challenging. So my rose for yesterday was that I have been getting to meet my client’s pets since I am doing telehealth sessions which us very fun. My thorn was that I really miss water aerobics.

Many of us have had to cancel much wished for plans and we are struggling with how that feels. It’s easy to get caught up in the anger, the sadness, and disappointment of it all. However, if we can say things to ourselves like “I am really sad that I can’t go to that event but I am looking forward to resting my body from the busyness I have been experiencing” or “I was really looking forward to the rest of the school year because we were going to do ___ but I am so excited I now have time to Konmari the house.” I have been hearing from friends, clients, and loved ones about a lot of positives. Things like “we are cooking healthy meals at home because we have time,” “my stress related health problem is resolving,” or “even though we have a lot of uncertainty, we’ve really bonded closer to problem-solve together.”

Another thing that can help with reframing is switching roles. The same client who told me about the deal she made with her kids also shared that she is letting her kids take turns teaching the family. This is such a great way to learn. We know that we learn things better when we teach. So if your child really loves birds, let them teach you and their siblings about birds. If they love a sport, let them teach you all about the history and rules of a sport they love. If you were going to go on a trip that had to be canceled, let them pretend to be a travel agent or a tour guide.

Have fun, be you. If schedules help you to feel grounded, make one. If you thrive on handling things as they come, do that. Most importantly, try to give yourself and your family members space and grace. Like all crises, we will experience waves when we feel strong and positive and waves when we don’t. Try to use your good coping skills when you are feeling overwhelmed, sad, or angry. Apologize when you make mistakes and forgive yourself and your people for letting you down. This is hard for everyone.

Try to do one fun thing each day even if it seems silly or you don’t really feel like it. If you are having a movie night, make it extra special by choosing a movie snack that is unusual. Or mix up your usual seating patterns. Watch the same movie as another family and set up a video chat on another screen so you are “having them over to watch.” Invent new flavors of popcorn together or let the kids pick the dinner they want to make for the family. Might be mac n cheese from the microwave, but I bet everyone will have fun.

Most of all, don’t compare yourself to other moms and what they are posting on social media. Even if you know the reality is as good as the photo ops, don’t get sucked in to the comparison game. If you see someone doing something you want to try, try it. It might work for you, it might not. And try to remember, your kids don’t need perfect. They need you!