Depression is a liar and a false friend

By Danielle Jenkins, PsyD

Depression Is a Liar

My science partner my freshman year of college was constantly saying “You’re a liar and a fat mouth.” She used this any time someone said or did something she did not agree with. It basically boiled down to the idea, “I don’t trust you.” I think of this saying often when it comes to depression. Depression is a liar and a fat mouth. It is not to be trusted and it just keeps talking, elaborating on the untruths it says.

Depression Will Lie to Your Face

Depression is the worst kind of friend. It is the kind of friend that cozies up to you and settles in to your couch and then whispers into your ear that you don’t have any friends, no one loves you, and you aren’t invited to the party anyway. The kind of friend you think is a best friend but isn’t even a friend at all. And it says these things in such a way that you believe them completely.

Depression Will Just Keep Talking Even When It Is Clear The Story Is False

Depression is that person you know who will keep telling a story even when everyone around them knows the story is entirely false. When everyone is internally screaming for them to just stop talking but they go on and on, digging further into the untruth. Depression is like that. Depression will just keep spinning the tale even if everyone around knows it is untrue and most of us are too polite to say, “just stop talking, this story isn’t even true!!!”

Depression Will Leave You Completely Alone When You Need A Friend

Sometimes people walk beside you and sometimes when they see you in pain they see their own pain and they look away because it is too raw and they walk away.

This is one of the worst ways that depression will let you down as a friend. A few years ago, I had something very painful happen to me and a person I look to for comfort, strength, and support was not very supportive or comforting. The thing that made it worse was that it was something that this person had also experienced and knew the pain. I knew that it was probably hard for her to think about what I was going through but I was shocked when she wasn’t even acknowledging what I was experiencing or that it had happened. I felt alone because I sometimes count on this person to figuratively hold my hand and walk beside me on this journey of life. I was reminded of just how much friendship and understanding guards against the pain of depression. And even though I knew that my pain was like a shining beacon to her pain and that was why she couldn’t be the support I longed for, it was hurtful. My friend has apologized and made amends and we have been able to move forward, but it was hurtful.

The thing is, that part of this was my fault because I also wasn’t super clear about how hurtful the thing that happened to me was. Depression is a liar, remember. I was believing my friend wouldn’t care very much if I said that I was hurting and if I said I just needed her to do X, Y, or Z. But knowing her like I have for over 15 years, if I had said, I need such and such, she would have done such and such. And so partly, my friend deserted me and partly, depression deserted me. It told me, she wouldn’t help me anyway. And I believed it. So I didn’t tell her. I didn’t tell her it hurt me when she didn’t call. It hurt me when she didn’t check up or ask questions or acknowledge what happened. And in doing that, I deserted myself.

That’s the other thing, it’s not always easy, but I have a choice, I can choose to listen to the false friend, depression, or I can remind myself that people sometimes disappoint but they often do the right things too. Like when my friend apologized she gave me a big hug and told me she was sorry she wasn’t there for me in the way she could have been when I needed her and she wished she would have been. Sometimes in the moment it’s easier to choose the false friend (depression) you know will show up rather than the one who might not. It’s a hard choice. But, the track record of the liar named Depression would tell us to maybe go with the friend who just might make some mistakes instead of the one who is for sure going to punch you in the face. Depression is a terrible, no good, false friend. Send him packing.