Grandparents Guide to Gifting

By Danielle D. Jenkins, PsyD

 

I decided to write this while I’m thinking about it rather than wait until we are approaching the end of the year holidays. It’s nearing the end of January, people are starting to recover from the holiday chaos, and little organizational projects are popping up all over. A theme has emerged with clients and friends over the past couple holidays but it is particularly strong this year post holidays so I thought I’d better write a post about it. 

 

Moms are overwhelmed. We know this. It’s not new and it’s definitely gotten worst the past few years. This is never more true than during the holidays. Moms are telling me they are tired from doing all the work (and not getting recognition or equal thoughtfulness directed at them) and they are feeling extremely overwhelmed by the unseen emotional labor that goes into holidays. 

 

Gifts from others are part of this dynamic. Many moms tell me they are overwhelmed by everything from the sheer number of items their children receive to doing all the wrapping or to providing the lists of items to grandparents and other family members. Don’t get me wrong, all the moms I know say the same types of things, like “we are so grateful,” or “I don’t want to sound ungrateful.” I really believe that is true. Most of my clients and friends are very focused on making sure their kids express thankfulness even if an item is not exactly what they want and they feel thankful to have family who love and care for their children. They are legitimately concerned, though, about their homes being overrun with toys and their kids overwhelmed by the volume of things. 

 

So I have a few recommendations if you are giving gifts to a family or to kids in your life. 

 

Minimize the work you are requiring of the primary parent in order to give gifts. Making lists and keeping them straight is a very stressful part of making holiday magic for many moms. If your family really enjoys having gifts to open, ask for sizes and wants/needs at the same time. Even if you think you aren’t going to get shoes for the grandkids, send a text (or ask during a call) asking for all the current sizes for all members of the household including pants, shirts, and shoes. A great example is to say, “hey I’m just about to start shopping for gifts, I want to make sure I’m not getting the wrong sizes so when you get a chance, could you send me everyone’s sizes for pants, shirts, and shoes.” This avoids the barrage of texts in the moment. Moms get tired of having to answer the same question 7 times from multiple people. Be sure to do this well before the holidays and if the family in question likes certain brands or thrifting or things like this, please either pay attention or just skip clothing unless it is matching pajamas or family shirts or something like that. 

 

 

Never get electronics, devices, or pets without permission from all parents. Just don’t do it. Even if you don’t agree with your family member’s stance on said items, those are parental choices and need to be approved of by them. Every time. Even if the kids already have tablets or phones it does not mean you should get them new ones without asking first. 

 

Experiences over gifts. In very few instances do people remember a gift or even a mountain of gifts from a specific holiday. Maybe if it’s a coveted bike or a giant dollhouse but most likely it will be incorporated into the toy collection and maybe even forgotten quite quickly. For years all I dreamed of was making cookies with my grandma at the holidays. She was not that kind of grandma. Even when I said I wanted to spend time with her at Christmas instead of a gift, she insisted on getting a gift and spending time with me was just something she marked off her list, “see we went to lunch, are you happy?” Watching my mom make cookies and do crafts with her grandkids is one of my favorite things in life. 

 

Include a gift receipt. You never know if it’s going to actually fit true to size or if they get three of the same thing. It’s so helpful to be able to return it if needed. 

 

It’s also helpful to ask if you plan to get something large, messy, or noisy. A lot of parents have specific types of toys they prefer or an educational model they follow like Montessori or Waldorf. If they say no flashing or plastic toys, honor that even if you don’t understand or agree. If they are trying to adopt minimalism, honor that. Please try to think back to your own time parenting. It feels terrible when people undermine your parenting choices. Practical gifts are highly underrated. Parents appreciate them and the child who receives a special water bottle or back pack from grammy will be able to think of her every time they use it. 

 

More is not better. Sometimes it’s just more. I do agree that we should be grateful and appreciative when someone gives us or our children a gift, but how much better when it feels like a true gift. Personally I would rather have something small and meaningful than a hundred useless or meaningless gifts. When someone gifts me something because it made them think of me, I feel special every time I see or use that item. I think most people are the same, even kids.