I am (still) Here

A guest blog post by April Lovelace Simmons 

One of the most poignant emotions of motherhood, in my experience, has been longing. I have intense, heart aching longings that are as huge as the cosmos and as persistent and unignorable as birthing pains. Before becoming a mother, I wanted things, even longed for certain things- connection, true partnership, stability, motherhood itself. But I never experienced the overwhelming, conflicting, and indescribably intense longings that accompanied motherhood.

My entrance to motherhood was not simple, or natural, or beautiful. Becoming a mother took so many things from me that I never expected to lose- things that I didn’t even know a person could lose. All at once, in an avalanche of loss, my entire life and being slid into a mushy, yawning, all-encompassing sink hole of love and sacrifice. I loved my baby wildly, with complete abandon. But I also felt the betrayal of resentment at what this miracle had cost. I craved the autonomy...

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