The Goldfish Problem

I’m constantly talking to my clients about the idea that kids and their needs are like goldfish. Goldfish grow to whatever size container you give them. They can get huge. Same with children and their needy, snack-begging ways. These little people you lovingly made a five-course rainbow colored meal for will drop food in the randomest of places only to beg and borrow snacks of all kinds less than 30 minutes later in convincing narration of starvation.

 

These little ones we give our all to will ask what are we are doing next after you’ve gone ice skating, baked cookies, make holiday cards, decorated eggs, painted ornaments, and watched 7 movies. Don’t even get me started on the snacks. Have I mentioned the snacks? 

 

Kids will take and take and take and keep taking until we tell them no. It's what they are supposed to do. They will have one existential crisis after another until we and they are used up. They will eat snacks (including goldfish crackers) all day long until the food budget is used up along with retirement and college savings. Have I mentioned the snacks? Kids need

limits because they often don’t have them internal for themselves. This is why we impose screen time limits and one pack of fruit snack rules. Not to be mean but to put up parameters.

 

Yet, I see many mothers stretching themselves way past their own limits to give more, do more, create more magic. So what if the birthday party main food are hotdogs in a crockpot pot? If you feel like you will go crazy if you read that book one more time, it’s ok to say no. That doesn’t make you a horrible person. It makes you human. You’ll feel more generous another day. And maybe your kids will actually grow up to recognize boundaries and to be kind people who don't push people past their limits. 

 

The thing is, it’s great that we want to protect our children from harsh words, abuse, neglect, and poor parenting. That’s a good thing. It’s wonderful if you are one of the many parents breaking bad cycles. It makes me proud of us as a society. That being said, we are not doing anyone any favors if we think children have to have the things they ask for the moment they ask for them. It’s ok for kids to feel sadness, boredom, anger, hunger, and even at times fear. It’s our job to help them work through those feelings when they come up not to prevent the “negative” feelings from coming at all.

 

So when your little ones are asking for a bigger tank, it’s ok to say, “ little goldfish, you are quite big enough for now. Stay small and let me love you just as you are. I’ll give you a snack later.” And go to the bathroom or a walk or read a book you like for a change. And maybe make yourself a snack for a change.