Mother’s Love: A Mother’s Day Reflection
by Danielle D Jenkins, PsyD
As we round the corner into the second Mother’s Day in the pandemic I find myself struggling with celebrating Mother’s Day even more than usual. Don’t get me wrong, I love greeting card holidays. Love them! Valentines is my favorite, and the other non-religious ones like Mother’s Day follow closely. I adore days where we set aside time to reflect on certain types of people and say thank you for what they do and who they are. Even in times when I have been sad or at odds with the idea of motherhood, I have still liked Mother’s Day. I was still able reflect on the various types of mothers I’ve had in my life and I am totally a sucker for the sweet preschool Mother’s Day projects my friends and clients post on Facebook or show my in sessions. I mean come on that stuff is pure gold!!
However, this year, I am struck anew by the fact that we don’t listen very well to women and what they need and want. We glorify and celebrate overdoing and over giving. We are constantly seeing stories of women who “have it all” and give birth during their bar exams and still finish up! It’s ridiculous. Instead of supporting birthing people and giving more support, we say “great job! Look at you go! Amazing!” and then walk away and assume they have it figured out.
Even before the pandemic, the rate at which women were getting autoimmune disorders and young women having heart attacks and strokes, and physical burnout was astounding. The number one complication of pregnancy is postpartum depression. And now with the pandemic affecting childcare and schooling, mothers have done what they do, they have selflessly soldiered on taking on more responsibility and kept on going. They are doing it with less mental and physical health support, less self-care support from friends and family, less support from communities, and with more emotional labor and unpaid family demands than ever. What makes me sad and disappointed is that I’m hearing from the women in my life (friends, family, clients) is that they feel like they are failing rather than recognizing they are experiencing burnout, fatigue, depression, and anxiety.
So here’s what I hope this Mother’s Day (and always. I hope that if you are reading this and you know a young mother, I hope you will have a serious conversation about how much that person does for her home, her extended family, her community, her coworkers, and how she has carried those around her through the past 15 months. Sure, I bet there have been times it hasn’t gone well. Because we’ve all hit our low points. But think of all the times when she did it all basically alone. I hope the celebrations will include a real acknowledgment of what has happened in these last months and not just a cursory glance of I love your spaghetti! And if you are the mother reading this, you are amazing. You have not failed. Not even once. When you found yourself yelling or parenting in a way you never wanted, remember family life was never intended to be a solo sport. This isolation thing makes everyone feel awful. You are doing way better than you think. We have been through hard times lately. It’s ok if you also needed more support than you received. You are a person too. Families can support each other.
Happy Mother’s Day