Loss
Dec 19, 2020
By Danielle D Jenkins, PsyD
People call the holidays the season of giving. In 2020, I am calling the holidays the season of loss. So many of us have been experiencing loss after loss this year, winding up with many of us being unable to have the holiday experiences we wish we could. Traditions that help us get into the spirit cancelled. Finances pinching our gifting or worrying us for what is coming. Seeing others making choices we know to put themselves and others at risk.
With loss comes grief. It is okay to grieve. Even if you know people who have things harder than you or who have lost more, it is okay to feel sadness, anger, irritability, apathy, and dread. Grief comes in waves no matter the cause. We have been grieving all throughout this pandemic. We may be experiencing all the stages of grief and that certainly affects ability to enjoy things we usually enjoy. It’s ok. We are all just doing our best.
If you have somehow managed to feel fun, excitement, and magic of the holiday time, and many of us have made desperate efforts to do so, you do not need to feel guilty when others around you voice their grief. This is one of those times you do not have to dull your sparkle because someone else is struggling. Your joy is precious. Your child’s happy face is a gift.
If you are one of the many who are going through the motions of the holidays trying to make it okay for your family or yourself, I invite you to take a moment to stop and check in with yourself. Ask yourself if there are things you can not do that will give you relief. Are there things you can do to have fun in spite of not going to the usual gatherings? Can you have a baking contest with your kids to see who can create the closest to grandpas special holiday dessert? Can you try a new tradition? Can an accidental delivery mix up be turned into a funny family story?
Maybe not. You might not have it in you at this time. That’s ok. You’re ok. We will get through this. In the meantime I’m going to share a story from my childhood that I keep thinking of as we try to make the best of the final weeks of the worst year ever.
One year during the holidays my family was busy doing holiday things. I honestly don’t remember what all we were up to but I’m guessing it was the usual Christmas baking and crafts and such. I grew up in the country, miles from town, with big trees that dropped limbs and even would fall down in the midst of storms. Both wind and ice were problematic and caused power outages often in the winter. On this particular day a big storm had been raging which meant we were all cooped up in the house together. Pretty much my entire family loves to be outside and enjoy being active so bad weather definitely affected our collective mood. So picture kids bustling, mom and dad whirring around getting things done, cooking being done here and there, Christmas tunes blasting, the line up for holiday movie marathon being laid out. Then the power went out. For a really, really long time. Traditions halted. Nothing to do. Darkness, silence, not even able to run the water (since we had a well and the pump was electric). I don’t remember what made my mom decide to do this but she sat by the fireplace and grabbed a candle and read the book The Best Christmas Pageant Ever. It’s a sweet little book we’d had for years and never read about a family of kids who were wild and poor and then are befriended by a church and made the star performers of the Christmas pageant. We all sat around and hung on every word our mom read. It’s now one of our sweetest holiday memories and for years she kept reading the book at Christmas time.
Whenever I think of this story I am reminded that even when our best plans are ruined, we can still make memories and have fun if we allow ourselves. All these years later I don’t remember what plans were ruined, I just remember being together and having joy, creating a special memory.
It’s my wish you will have unexpected joy even as you are carrying all of the losses of this year.
Happy holidays from Mama Thrive Village!