It happened to me too

By Danielle D Jenkins, PsyD

There is a club no one wants to be in that is filled with women of all kinds. Until it happens to you, you may not even realize how many people in your life have experienced miscarriage. Once people hear about your situation, they often share, “It happened to me, too.” It’s one of the loneliest large groups around. Miscarriage happens in about one in four recognized pregnancies and about one in five women have experienced this type of loss, yet many women do not talk about it or even share their loss with anyone except their partner and sometimes their provider.

There’s so much mystery, and confusion around miscarriage. I want to be part of reducing the unnecessary stigma around this sensitive issue. So I thought I’d begin by sharing some of the things I am learning in the process of healing from my own loss (and from supporting other women in their losses).

Grief comes in waves

You may be fine one minute and tearful or angry the next. Keep in mind you may experience a postpartum period and certainly a lot of hormonal shifting in a short time. It’s okay to feel sad and moody. Completely normal. Be kind to yourself. The worst and best thing about grief is that life keeps moving forward even when we want it to stop. We wish the world would stop and scream and cry and be mad with us. Be sure to allow yourself to stop and breathe and rest and cry. Grief doesn’t follow a formula and it is different for everyone (even partners and even the same person in different seasons).

You might feel differently than you expect

People can feel more than one thing at a time. You can feel anguish and sadness even as you feel relief if your pregnancy was complicated or unplanned. You can feel hope and despair at the same time. You can feel cherished and loved and supported by partners, friends, and providers even while feeling intense grief and loss. Many people feel very differently than they expect. You might even skip right over entire stages of grief. You may feel sadder than you thought you would or not very sad at all. These are completely normal reactions. I will never forget a book club meeting where the topic of miscarriage came up and it was so clear to me that each of us has vastly differing experiences with all the ins and outs of pregnancy including pregnancy loss. This has certainly been true of my clients as well. You might grieve or feel one way, your partner or friend might grieve and feel another way.

You may find support in unexpected places

For me acquaintances and my childless friends have been most supportive in addition to my natural health providers. I have been surprised how people who either do not understand at all have offered support and a listening ear. I have wondered if it is because they don’t have to hold their own child’s face in mind while they talk to me about losing mine. I’m not sure. Friends and acquaintances told me secrets of becoming one with the heating pad and binging mindless TV, teas to drink, and ways to take care of myself. I had two of my self-care providers who gave me gifts to nurture myself. I feel very blessed to have had these providers to support me.

Your loved ones may disappoint you

People you normally count on may disappoint you. They may not say anything or not check on you. There are a lot of reasons for this, especially now in the midst of the pandemic. They might be afraid to say the wrong things so they don’t say anything. They may feel uncomfortable talking about loss or the particulars of miscarriage. Most people just aren’t great at hanging out with us in our sorrows. Those who are, are heroes in my mind.

Your providers will make mistakes

I think it’s important to acknowledge that our healthcare system is very maxed out right now due to COVID-19 and the extra burdens of keeping people safe. However, the problem of women’s health providers not being trauma-informed and generally not handling their miscarrying clients well has been happening in America, in particular, since way before the pandemic. Even the lack of info for how prenatal and miscarriage care will happen in the pandemic is telling. During my hunt for information about how to care for myself, I saw that the NHS had entire pages of information on their website about how care might differ due to COVID. I was certainly not given any information about how miscarriage care would be different since I barely got any information from my providers at all.

Long before my own losses, I knew from the experiences of friends, family, and clients that women’s health care is woefully lacking in trauma informed providers. Miscarriage is often traumatic for those experiencing it yet clinics and providers don’t often have protocols for how to support clients. I will tell more of my particular story in a later post but I will say here, even though I knew it was handled poorly, I really knew it when I experienced it for myself.

It’s okay to speak up or not to speak up

You do not have to tell anyone you don’t want to. You can keep your loss private. You don’t have to write blog posts or be a champion for pregnancy and infant loss on social media. There’s no one right way to handle things. You do not have to be an advocate or tell anyone. It’s your choice. I have found talking about my losses to be comforting and a way of connecting with others so I don’t feel as alone. Sure, some people have not been supportive and a few have said things that felt pretty awful but I also have found such loving support from others who have said or done just the perfect thing.

You need all of your energy

You do not owe anyone anything. If you know your very religious relative will say something that is triggering or hurtful, you can say “I’m not going to talk to you about this” or if your friend or loved one is asking for something, you can say, “I don’t have it in me right now to support you.” You can say to family, friends, clients, and anyone else, “right now I am healing and need to support myself.” The relationships can handle this. If you need to take time off work, do. If you need to spend time alone, do it. In vulnerable times, we sometimes have to close up ranks a bit to preserve our own ability and strength to heal. Miscarriage is one of those times. Some days you may feel a need to talk about it and some days you may need time to rest and be alone. That is okay. It’s perfectly understandable to care for yourself. As one of my supporters reminded me fuzzy socks, rest, and chocolate are essential.

Love to you all. We are here to support each other.